Everybody needs somebody. Somebody to share the different seasons of life with, I guess that’s why we are born into families; for companionship, love, support, loyalty and guidance. Happy times, sad times; these are all a part of life’s package, but the people who share these times with you can either dampen your spirits of give you reasons to win every battle/challenge. This is also why we form friendships and romantic relationships, why some people would do anything for fame and fortune; because even though some people won’t admit it, nobody really wants to be alone.
You can be in a room full of people and still be lonely. What your heart craves for is real friendship, for someone to see beyond your smiling facade and really know who you are and what you’re going through and still love you regardless of it all. For someone to look at you and christen you perfect; flaws, guilt, baggage, scars and all. Deep down, you just really want to be good enough, to be beautiful in someone’s eyes, and if for example, you’ve grown up in a family where your dad hits your mom or treats her very badly like mine did, you might grow up believing lies about yourself, feeling like you’re trash, like everything bad that happens is your fault, that it happens because you don’t deserve anything good.
I battled a lot with low self esteem issues as a child and then as a teenager, I didn’t even have any sense of self-worth. I grew up hearing people tell me that I was ugly and undesirable. They said my face was too round, my nose too broad, my skin too dull and my body too straight; so I hated and doubted myself. There was no solace at home either, I’d get home from school or church and my mom would either have a swollen face and severe headaches or she’d have run away again only to show up days later. I used to wish she’d set herself free, never come back to my father’s house again, she certainly deserved better, like my mother is really beautiful and really kind. But days later, she’d come crawling back, as if she was somehow bound to him, like she could never quite exist without him and she’d call him all these sweet names. My father beat me a lot as well, for every single reason he could make up. I thought it was my fault, that my worthlessness made him do it.
I wanted to be of value to someone at least, so at school, I started trying to be popular. I bleached my skin and tightened my uniform. I spun a thick web of lies around myself, making up in my head what I desperately wished my life was like. I did get popular, but I was still lonely. I was the real lil miss lonely.
I’m on a journey right now and I’m rediscovering myself and loving the real me. This is how I did it.
1. Like I said in my last post, I got help, I talked to someone about my feelings.
2. I made a list of my strengths and I leveraged on them. For example, I knew I was a good writer and that I wanted other people to heal, and this blog is birthed out of that. It’s a part of my healing process as well. Writing your strengths will remind you that there is good in you.
3. I made a list of my weaknesses and one by one, I’m working on them. Some are all gone, others are taking some time. For example, I used to lie a lot about who I was, but I and my lifecoach have worked on my mind so much that I’m good enough for me and I really do not have to lie to make myself look better because I’m already good enough.
4. I decided to believe in myself, be my own person and have faith in who I am. Irrespective of what people think or say about me. I do not concentrate on them, I concentrate on me.
I’m really not so lonely anymore. I’ve been blessed with an adopted family that loves me completely and utterly believes in me. They see me, the real me and they are content to accept me just as I am. I do not have to remodel myself to fit their expectations.
Are/were you a Lil miss/mr lonely like me? Are you working on your feelings? If you’ve gotten over it, how did you do so? I’d love to hear from you.
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