I am not as strong as I want to be. My strength at it’s best is just another variation of weakness. I try so hard. I try really really hard to be good and to live a clean life. The struggle is real. Some days, I manage to stay pure but on other days, I fall right back into error. It hurts very much when I fall. I beat myself up and I feel worthless and I hate myself a little more. I insult myself. I tell myself things like “girl, you’re so stupid, how can you stoop so low, you should have gone past this level by now”. Sometimes, I sleep and I’m afraid to wake up and face another day, I’m afraid to step outside, because I know that I have to make choices and I really do not know if I have the courage to choose right all the time.
I am grateful for this process, but it is such a radical change from all the things I was used to, all the things that I was taught, all the things that were drilled into me, all the habits I had to pick up in order to survive and all the things that hurt me but which I eventually got used to and began to anticipate and love. So as much as I want to go through this process and emerge as a better person, the proverbial Phoenix rising from the ashes; I find myself desiring and some times living my past, the life that was thrust upon me, the life I was brutally trained to live.
You know how an ordinary man goes through rigorous training to be a soldier and he comes out trained to kill in a war and he never really forgets that training. That’s sort of like my life, the only exceptions being that I was very much a child and I didn’t ask for this, for any of this. I just wanted to be normal, I didn’t ask for such huge weights on my mind, weights that hurt me until now. Sometimes, I just want to be a 1 year old with no cares in the world, with no past except eating and pooping in my diapers.
I cannot turn back the hands of time, but I can live for now at least. And I am determined that my background will not keep my back on the ground. I have made up my mind that no matter how many times I fall, I will pick up my baton and keep running. I will not give up on myself or on my dreams. I will not give my past the satisfaction of seeing me lose this fight. I will keep on going forward, no matter how slow my progress seems, I will keep on fighting and I will win this fight.