I have been hurt so many times in my life that I have lost count. I have been broken by the very hands which should have built me. As a child, I learnt how to be deceitful and how to pretend, they were my survival tactics, I learnt how to be a very good liar. I got severely punished for doing the right things, so my new default was to do the wrong things to avoid being hurt. I built this paradise in my head where I was a different person and I was living the life of my dreams.
When I began to mix with the real world, it was this person I had created in my head that I introduced to them. I was too afraid of what would happen if they met the original me. I was too afraid of what would happen if what they would really think about me if I told them the truth. I knew that one question would lead to another and then they would ask questions that reminded me of the horrible place that I was coming from. These were questions I didn’t think that I was prepared to answer, so I kept on lying.
I became a Christian and you’d expect that things should be different, I mean, old things should pass away right? But try as I might, old things didn’t pass away oh. Initially, I did my best to be truthful and only speak when I had something important to say, but I couldn’t stay away from my past that long before it caught up with me again. Sigh.
And now? I am learning to bask in the peace of God. The funny thing about this is God doesn’t even remember my past, I’m the one who revisits it, uncovers it, tries to cover it again, thinks about it, guilt trip myself and prays again about an issue that was solved the first time I asked.
All those lies I told because I wanted to be anyone else but me, I was afraid of being rejected and I didn’t want anyone to see my weakness or my pain; they weren’t worth the effort or the secrecy.
One thing is that I’m definitely a better person because of my past. Maybe a little weak and fragile, but I can relate on deeper levels with the hurting and broken, because I’ve been there, I’ve done that and I have the scars to show for it.
My past was part of my preparation for my future, I realise that now and I’m definitely not hiding or sugarcoating or lying anymore. I am at peace.