How to be a VIP at a party you weren’t invited to. 

So yesterday, it was the rumble in my tummy that woke me up at 4am. I headed straight to the kitchen to see if I could find something to eat as I hadn’t eaten anything the day before. I crawled under the table to check the carton of indomie that my friend hides there. It was empty. I climbed a stool to check the topmost shelf for garri. The garri container was empty. I walked back to the room and sat on the mattress, thinking about my life and praying that the challenges would end soon. I lay back down. I tried to close my eyes, I couldn’t sleep. I started counting the decorations on the ceiling, when I got bored of that, I started rolling from one edge of the bed to another. The hunger was bad. I was that way until about 6:45am. 

I got up, tidied the house and was on my way to go and empty the trash can when I saw some people carrying chairs and tables and huge iron pots into an event center not too far from our house. Apparently they were preparing for a party. I just ignored them and I went on my way. 

On my way back, I saw them carrying big coolers and ceramic plates. I still ignored them. 

I got home. I was staring at the wall and clutching my tummy. Several angry soldiers appeared to be fighting there. I tried to write, I couldn’t concentrate, I tried to read, it didn’t work. When I could bear it to more, I decided to take a walk. I walked past the same place, the smell of food nearly dazed me. It was at this point that I invited myself to the party. 

I went back home. I freshened up, took time to apply proper makeup and literally bathed in perfume. I wore my favorite dress and the highest heels I could find. Then I thought to myself: “*insert name here* , As fine as you’re looking, you can’t trek to the venue. You have to go in style.”

I opened my Uber app. I checked the price from my house to the venue and it was 550 naira. I didn’t have even 100 naira. It was too expensive for me. Then I remembered that I still had 1500 in my Firstbank account. Well technically 500 naira since I can’t withdraw the 1k and I couldn’t even withdraw the 500 naira with an ATM. My Uber trips are card trips. I was elated. I ordered the Uber. 

Uber guy picked me up at the gate and drove me into the venue that was not more than 6 blocks away. The guy kept looking at me and shaking his head, I did as if I didn’t see him. He didn’t know my plans mehn. 

By the time I stepped out of the car, owners corner by the way, the security guys were struggling with each other to be the first to point me in the right direction. I thanked them with a smile, flipped my hair and catwalked into the hall. If only they knew. 

At the entrance, one boy said “aunty, can I help you to carry your bag? ” I shook my head and smiled sweetly. If only that boy knew. 

I sat down at the back jeje. Someone came and ushered me to a better seat right in front. All these really gorgeous and expensively dressed ladies were on my table. At some point they started trying to make conversation sef. Apparently, I fit right in. 

When they started serving food, they passed me several times and I was scared that I had been discovered. I still comported myself and kept a straight face. Eventually, when they started bringing food to our table, they didn’t stop until they had given us eight different kinds of delicious food. I refused to say no to any. I cannot come and go and kill myself away. I ate well! 

I got so many souvenirs including a mop and bucket, cutlery set, plates, mugs, bowls, alarm clock, non stick pots, makeup purse, throw pillows, jewelry box, manicure set, toilet brush. I also got drinks to last me and my roomie a week. 

Someone offered me a ride home and I declined. I didn’t want them to know my secret once they saw my house. 

And that my friends, is how to be a special guest of honor at a party you weren’t invited to. 

See pictures of some of the things I ate here. 

 See how lit the party was…. 

You know you can follow me on instagram right? @idonthidemyscars 

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