I was raped. Not once, not twice, not even five times. I was very young and I didn’t even know the words to describe what he was doing to me. All I knew was that it hurt very badly and I didn’t want it. I had so many bruises, so many scars that I had to cover and those were just the physical ones, the scars on my heart were the worst. My childhood was stolen from me and the thief was no stranger.
I grew up with this deep hatred for myself. I kept trying to end my own life. My biggest fear was the fear of rejection and it propelled me to try to be anybody else but myself. I fought my pain with more pain.
When I was older, I tried to talk to a few people. Some of them disbelieved my story, some of them told me to never mention it to another soul, some of them told me that I encouraged the perpetrator, a few encouraged me to speak out. Of these later few, I pushed some away; you see, my mind was too warped for them, I was too broken in pieces to fit in with their idea of good. I jinxed it. These people wanted to love me and because I thought that I had to do something to be worthy of their love, I hurt them.
I kept quiet about my scars, my pain. I stopped trying to make friends because I thought that the only thing I could offer was disappointment.
My life went downhill. It became a roller coaster of negative emotions and bad decisions. I had low self esteem and I accepted the lie that nothing good could come from my life.
About 2 months ago, I made a decision to become a better person. I decided to stop hiding my scars. I currently chronicle my journey to healing and self-love on my blog http://www.idonthidemyscars.com
It’s not been a roller coaster ride, but I’m not the depressed, suicidal person I was before. If I can heal, then you can too.
Do join me on http://www.idonthidemyscars.com everyday for a new lesson on God’s grace and on trusting the process. You can also share the stories of your own journey via my email address firstname.lastname@example.org .
You are loved.