This was literally always my face. You’d never ever see me without a big smile. I would walk into a place where I’d meet total strangers and I’d integrate with them so seamlessly, we’d part as friends. That whole exterior was false! Faking my happiness was my coping mechanism, my cover. I thought that since I didn’t have true happiness, I could at least fake it until I made it. What a lie I lived! I still cried through severe insomnia each night, thinking of the many ways in which I was a failure.
I’d be in a room full of people and I’d still be extremely lonely. Yes, a person can be lonely while not alone. Over time, I realized that proper communication with the right kind of people would have made all the difference. I did try to communicate with certain people, but some of them were more in need of help than I was without even realizing it, while others wanted to take advantage and use me. And boy, was I used??? Like tissue paper sef, like banana peels, like mopstick. You see, I was so lovestarved that I idolized anyone who even hinted that he/she cared. And when they disappointed me nko? Depression raised to power 10000000.
One of the ways in which I overcame depression and my suicidal tendencies was meeting the right people. People who love me very much and can still be painfully, brutally blunt and overwhelmingly caring. At first, I thought they hated me, I was used to hearing mushy, pitiful but sweet things and burying myself in self-pity but boy oh boy, they woke me up! This was part of my therapy, perhaps, the biggest step was accepting the truth about my situation.
I still smile and my laughter is sunshine on a stormy day, but it’s genuine now, it comes from a place of healing, rest and love.
One of the things I want to do with this platform is to create a safe, loving, honest place for people to be able to talk about their pain and to find friendship and healing. So if you need a listening ear or you have stories to share, my dm is open 24 hours a day on instagram @idonthidemyscars and my email address is email@example.com , be assured of the utmost respect for your journey, confidentiality and solutions.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.