Oh God, Kill my father

Oh God, kill my father. 
This was my prayer for several years. I thought it was my fault that my father didn’t love me. 
You see, I grew up not knowing how to be a daughter. All I knew how to be was a sex object and punching bag. This was the kind of home I was born into. 

I saw love from a distance and I desired it. I saw how men treated their daughters as princesses and doted on them. I had classmates whose fathers paid their fees at the beginning of each term and showed up for them all the time. When they asked me where my father was, I used to say he was dead. 

Actually he was dead, just not physically. 

What should I have told them? That I was my father’s unwilling bride? That he hurt me in the worst ways? Or is it that time he stripped me naked, beat the crap out of me and put pepper in my wounds for stealing money he later found in his box? 
Years down the line, after I left home, my prayer changed. It became :

Oh God, I need a father.

I saw the real love that exists between a father and a daughter and I just wanted something like that. I tried to make up with my own father…… I forgave him and tried to make excuses for him, it just didn’t work. There was no change in him. No remorse. He was older, weaker and humble but he want remorseful, If I wasn’t bigger, he’d have probably tried to hurt me again. 

I have forgiven my father, and I have forgiven my mother for covering up all his wickedness. I have also come to accept that I may always have to live with the knowledge that my father was my first rapist instead of friend. I might never feel the love of a physical father, but I feel God’s love and I see it in everything I do. 

Sometimes, I just struggle a lot, I honestly don’t know how to handle close relationships and submit to instruction because I’ve been independent all my life  and I pray to God for strength and courage to do what’s right, I pray for wisdom and for His love to flood my heart. 

Today, I can boldly say I love my father. All the pain and hatred I used to feel is gone…. He’s still not remorseful, but there’s so much power in loving your enemies even if you have to stay away from them. 

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